Dating and the Single Mom: What's in His Heart?

If my facebook page has seemed a little quieter than usual over the past several weeks, I admit, I’ve been limiting my time online. I realized just how much time I was spending on facebook in particular, and decided I needed to be more intentional about how I was using my time. I’d rather read my kids an extra bedtime story than spend those ten “free” minutes online. And during my daytime downtime or after my kids go to bed, I decided that it would be much more valuable to spend my time in a book instead of online. I even deleted the facebook app from my phone because I found myself tempted to check my page every time I received an alert, even if I was in the middle of doing something with my kids.

I’m planning a total social media detox sometime in the relatively near future. I’m not sure how long it will last – maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a little longer – but I’ll be totally unplugged for a period of time. I’ll be sure and let you know before that happens, and I’ll probably appoint someone to watch over my page during that time, because, as is expected in this online world, I do occasionally have to intercept random spam that comes through.

Anyway, this post really should have gone live before now, but I kind of let it slip through the cracks. I’ll try to set the next few to auto-post.

What’s in is His Heart?

This is the second in a series entitled Dating and the Single Mom. If you missed the first one, you can read it here: Dating and the Single Mom: Preference or Sin.

It can be a challenge to discern what’s really in a person’s heart – especially when we’re just getting to know him or her, and everyone’s putting on their best face. I suppose another title for this post could have been Don’t Overlook the Small Stuff, because sometimes we have to take note of those often overlooked moments – you know, the ones that just make you cock your head a little to the side like a slightly confused beagle, squint your eyes a bit, sit back and go “Huh. That was odd.”

Example. Once I was on a date. 

No really, I was. 

It was a casual sort of date – we were out for pizza with our kids (we each had one at the time). When the pizza was delivered to our table, my date immediately reached for two slices for himself, and one for his kid. It took me a little by surprise that he wouldn’t offer it to me first, but I shrugged it off, thinking I was just being silly. I mean, he was a really nice guy, and the fact that I got my pizza 7 seconds later than he did, honestly didn’t matter to me that much. I don’t remember anything remarkable from our conversation during dinner that night as we worked our way through the pizza. 

And then there were two slices left. And he grabbed both of them.

That was our last date.

A friend later told me it was stupid to end things with such a nice guy over a couple slices of pizza. But it was more than a couple slices of pizza. It was an unconscious reflection of what was in his heart – self-centeredness. In those brief moments when he let down his guard, when he wasn’t consciously putting his best foot forward, he demonstrated his heart to me without even realizing it.

Our hearts shape our attitudes and our behavior. We can override our hearts for a time by choosing to behave in ways we know make us look like a better version of ourselves. Or like a different person altogether. But in those moments when we shift into auto-pilot, so to speak, our hearts take over again.

A person can only maintain a false façade for so long. Even a slightly tweaked façade. Before long, the heart is revealed, and if you don’t take notice of the small indicators that the heart beneath the surface is quite different than what’s being portrayed, you risk walking deeper into a relationship than God may have intended you to go.

But please don’t misunderstand me in this. I’m not telling you to nit-pick every small annoyance in an attempt to fix every little thing you think is wrong with the other person. If that’s what you do, that’s a heart problem on your end. It’s not your job to change the other person. (Also, if you’re struggling over this, take another look at my first post in this series. Not everything that might annoy you is a sin issue and worth making a big deal out of.)

I never said I argued with my pizza date over his selfishness. Because I didn’t. In fact, I never even brought it up with him. I simply chose to break off the relationship. I recognized that it was a relationship that God did not intend for me because he was not ready to be a husband. Whether or not that ever changed for him was going to be between him and God, but it wasn’t my job to get in the middle and try to fix him. Or nag him until both our lives became a miserable mess of drama and sin.

It’s my job to seek God’s direction for MY life. And that wasn’t it.

And I didn’t owe him or anyone else any explanation. I simply had to know where God wanted me to go, and respond faithfully. 

Selfishness revealed itself over pizza, but over time, selfishness likely would have revealed itself over bigger issues, as well. It's never the surface issue that's the problem - it's the heart behind the surface issue. If someone is selfish with pizza, he or she will be selfish with time, selfish with finances, and selfish with physical and emotional desires. 

Be sensitive enough to God's Spirit to recognize when it's more than just pizza.