Dating and the Single Mom: What's in His Heart?

If my facebook page has seemed a little quieter than usual over the past several weeks, I admit, I’ve been limiting my time online. I realized just how much time I was spending on facebook in particular, and decided I needed to be more intentional about how I was using my time. I’d rather read my kids an extra bedtime story than spend those ten “free” minutes online. And during my daytime downtime or after my kids go to bed, I decided that it would be much more valuable to spend my time in a book instead of online. I even deleted the facebook app from my phone because I found myself tempted to check my page every time I received an alert, even if I was in the middle of doing something with my kids.

I’m planning a total social media detox sometime in the relatively near future. I’m not sure how long it will last – maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a little longer – but I’ll be totally unplugged for a period of time. I’ll be sure and let you know before that happens, and I’ll probably appoint someone to watch over my page during that time, because, as is expected in this online world, I do occasionally have to intercept random spam that comes through.

Anyway, this post really should have gone live before now, but I kind of let it slip through the cracks. I’ll try to set the next few to auto-post.

What’s in is His Heart?

This is the second in a series entitled Dating and the Single Mom. If you missed the first one, you can read it here: Dating and the Single Mom: Preference or Sin.

It can be a challenge to discern what’s really in a person’s heart – especially when we’re just getting to know him or her, and everyone’s putting on their best face. I suppose another title for this post could have been Don’t Overlook the Small Stuff, because sometimes we have to take note of those often overlooked moments – you know, the ones that just make you cock your head a little to the side like a slightly confused beagle, squint your eyes a bit, sit back and go “Huh. That was odd.”

Example. Once I was on a date. 

No really, I was. 

It was a casual sort of date – we were out for pizza with our kids (we each had one at the time). When the pizza was delivered to our table, my date immediately reached for two slices for himself, and one for his kid. It took me a little by surprise that he wouldn’t offer it to me first, but I shrugged it off, thinking I was just being silly. I mean, he was a really nice guy, and the fact that I got my pizza 7 seconds later than he did, honestly didn’t matter to me that much. I don’t remember anything remarkable from our conversation during dinner that night as we worked our way through the pizza. 

And then there were two slices left. And he grabbed both of them.

That was our last date.

A friend later told me it was stupid to end things with such a nice guy over a couple slices of pizza. But it was more than a couple slices of pizza. It was an unconscious reflection of what was in his heart – self-centeredness. In those brief moments when he let down his guard, when he wasn’t consciously putting his best foot forward, he demonstrated his heart to me without even realizing it.

Our hearts shape our attitudes and our behavior. We can override our hearts for a time by choosing to behave in ways we know make us look like a better version of ourselves. Or like a different person altogether. But in those moments when we shift into auto-pilot, so to speak, our hearts take over again.

A person can only maintain a false façade for so long. Even a slightly tweaked façade. Before long, the heart is revealed, and if you don’t take notice of the small indicators that the heart beneath the surface is quite different than what’s being portrayed, you risk walking deeper into a relationship than God may have intended you to go.

But please don’t misunderstand me in this. I’m not telling you to nit-pick every small annoyance in an attempt to fix every little thing you think is wrong with the other person. If that’s what you do, that’s a heart problem on your end. It’s not your job to change the other person. (Also, if you’re struggling over this, take another look at my first post in this series. Not everything that might annoy you is a sin issue and worth making a big deal out of.)

I never said I argued with my pizza date over his selfishness. Because I didn’t. In fact, I never even brought it up with him. I simply chose to break off the relationship. I recognized that it was a relationship that God did not intend for me because he was not ready to be a husband. Whether or not that ever changed for him was going to be between him and God, but it wasn’t my job to get in the middle and try to fix him. Or nag him until both our lives became a miserable mess of drama and sin.

It’s my job to seek God’s direction for MY life. And that wasn’t it.

And I didn’t owe him or anyone else any explanation. I simply had to know where God wanted me to go, and respond faithfully. 

Selfishness revealed itself over pizza, but over time, selfishness likely would have revealed itself over bigger issues, as well. It's never the surface issue that's the problem - it's the heart behind the surface issue. If someone is selfish with pizza, he or she will be selfish with time, selfish with finances, and selfish with physical and emotional desires. 

Be sensitive enough to God's Spirit to recognize when it's more than just pizza.

Dating and the Single Mom: Preference or Sin?

More times than I can count, I’ve been asked by single moms about dating. Whether they should date. Who they should date. How they go about finding a date. Why they can’t seem to find the right person to date.

These are tough questions to answer because the answer is never going to be the same for everyone.

This article – which, due to the depth of its content, has turned into a series of articles – will address several areas to consider concerning dating and the single mom.

Initially, I was going to begin by taking a look at how to tell if you’re ready to date. But after praying, and writing, and praying some more, I decided to begin by giving you an opportunity to take a look at what you’re looking for in a potential spouse, and compare it to what God would want you to look for. Because regardless of whether or not you’re ready to date right now, God can still reveal to you the type of person he may be preparing you for at some point in the future. And through comparing what you may desire to what God may desire for you, I truly believe that God can reveal to your heart when His timing is right for you.

Preference or Sin?

We’ve all heard the advice: Make a list of everything you want in a spouse and don’t settle for anything less.

Back when I had a list, my list looked something like this:

• Must be a Christian (though I was fairly lax in my definition of “Christian”)
• Must be taller than I am and weigh more than I do
• Must be a dog person
• Must have a college degree and an established career with a salary higher than mine
• Must be able to beat me in basketball and football
• Must also know the rules of football – both college and pro
• Must not be a Cincinnati Bengals or Baltimore Ravens fan (I eliminated the Cleveland Browns from this list because I still have yet to meet a real life fan)
• Must love the outdoors but must never expect me to go camping unless it is in a luxury RV
• Must not be afraid of me (because I’m not gonna lie, I probably scared some people)

Now, there’s nothing wrong with recognizing the values that are important to you, and looking for those values in a potential spouse. But when your list of non-negotiables looks something like your five-year-old’s Christmas letter to Santa Claus, or some unrealistic and somewhat intimidating compilation similar to mine, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate your priorities.

Even a reasonable list of positive, sensible attributes can cause you to stumble when those desires have been given too high a priority.

As you consider your list of attributes, for each quality listed, ask yourself: Is this a sin issue or is it merely a preference?

For example:

A man who places a higher value on his career and his social status than on his relationship with Christ and his relationships with his family, would be a sin issue.

A man who likes cats rather than dogs, would merely be a preference.

Sin issues are issues that shouldn’t be taken lightly. The goal of a relationship is not to change the other person’s heart. If that person’s life is dominated by one of these sin issues, this is not a person you should venture into a relationship with.

As far as preferences are concerned, you can certainly include these on your list, but they shouldn’t be deal breakers. Yes, you may prefer a dog person over a cat person, or a person who likes to travel rather than one who likes to stay home, but if your hearts are both in the right place and aren’t being dominated by sin and selfishness, you should always be willing to compromise with and for each other. Some of the greatest of life’s adventures can be experienced with a person you truly love when each of you is willing to risk moving outside your comfort zone and experiencing life from the other person’s point of view!

But what happens when the line between sin and preference becomes a little blurry? Or what if the preference is a really big deal?

After I had my second child, I said I never wanted any more children. In fact, I still maintain that at this point in my life, having more children is just not a priority or a very strong desire. I used to say that if a man desperately wanted children of his own (or more children of his own) that I simply could not date him because I could never marry him since I wasn’t willing to give him that.

And then a friend shared with me a conversation that she and her husband had had early in their dating relationship. She had expressed to him that she did not ever desire to have children. She probably expected that in sharing that with him, one of two things would happen: either he’d agree with her or he wouldn’t. If he agreed, their relationship could continue, and she’d be locked into a commitment to never have children. If he disagreed, however, either he would decide to end the relationship, or he would argue with her over the issue. But instead, this man – who eventually became her husband and the father of their two children – took her by surprise when he said to her, “If God wants us to have children, we will have children.”

And she realized she couldn’t argue. He knew her heart, and her heart was to be obedient to God. And he wasn’t afraid of her outspokenness because he knew that if God was going to call her to be a mother, she would be a mother, and He would put that desire in her heart and equip her along the way.

This is just one example of a preference that you might consider a pretty big deal. But if you both have your hearts set on seeking God, God will work out the details, and he’ll point your hearts toward His will.

My friend is now one of the most loving and devoted mothers I know.

And to have or not to have children is no longer a deal breaker on my list of what to look for in a spouse. Ironically, it’s equally important to me now that it’s not a deal breaker on his list, either. He may strongly desire to have children, and I may come to agreement, and God may never bless me with the ability to have any more. That has to be ok. The only acceptable foundation on which to build a marriage is God. Children do not make good substitutes in that equation.

So I would encourage you, if you have a list of qualities you desire in a future spouse, to evaluate the items on that list one by one. Ask God to reveal to you whether those qualities are true sin issues or whether they are merely preferences. You don’t have to throw out the preferences, but they should always come secondary to the sin issues. And before you allow mere preferences to become deal breakers, truly set your heart on God and ask Him to reveal His plan for you.

The only item from my original list which made the cut to my new list is the first one – except that I’ve changed it to be that he must love Christ first and foremost in his life and that he must be willing to seek God’s plan for his life, even if it means moving outside his comfort zone.

Because I’m a dog person, and he may experience some discomfort in his need for allergy shots. And when I beat him in basketball, that might be a little uncomfortable for him at first too...