Dating and the Single Mom: Preference or Sin?

More times than I can count, I’ve been asked by single moms about dating. Whether they should date. Who they should date. How they go about finding a date. Why they can’t seem to find the right person to date.

These are tough questions to answer because the answer is never going to be the same for everyone.

This article – which, due to the depth of its content, has turned into a series of articles – will address several areas to consider concerning dating and the single mom.

Initially, I was going to begin by taking a look at how to tell if you’re ready to date. But after praying, and writing, and praying some more, I decided to begin by giving you an opportunity to take a look at what you’re looking for in a potential spouse, and compare it to what God would want you to look for. Because regardless of whether or not you’re ready to date right now, God can still reveal to you the type of person he may be preparing you for at some point in the future. And through comparing what you may desire to what God may desire for you, I truly believe that God can reveal to your heart when His timing is right for you.

Preference or Sin?

We’ve all heard the advice: Make a list of everything you want in a spouse and don’t settle for anything less.

Back when I had a list, my list looked something like this:

• Must be a Christian (though I was fairly lax in my definition of “Christian”)
• Must be taller than I am and weigh more than I do
• Must be a dog person
• Must have a college degree and an established career with a salary higher than mine
• Must be able to beat me in basketball and football
• Must also know the rules of football – both college and pro
• Must not be a Cincinnati Bengals or Baltimore Ravens fan (I eliminated the Cleveland Browns from this list because I still have yet to meet a real life fan)
• Must love the outdoors but must never expect me to go camping unless it is in a luxury RV
• Must not be afraid of me (because I’m not gonna lie, I probably scared some people)

Now, there’s nothing wrong with recognizing the values that are important to you, and looking for those values in a potential spouse. But when your list of non-negotiables looks something like your five-year-old’s Christmas letter to Santa Claus, or some unrealistic and somewhat intimidating compilation similar to mine, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate your priorities.

Even a reasonable list of positive, sensible attributes can cause you to stumble when those desires have been given too high a priority.

As you consider your list of attributes, for each quality listed, ask yourself: Is this a sin issue or is it merely a preference?

For example:

A man who places a higher value on his career and his social status than on his relationship with Christ and his relationships with his family, would be a sin issue.

A man who likes cats rather than dogs, would merely be a preference.

Sin issues are issues that shouldn’t be taken lightly. The goal of a relationship is not to change the other person’s heart. If that person’s life is dominated by one of these sin issues, this is not a person you should venture into a relationship with.

As far as preferences are concerned, you can certainly include these on your list, but they shouldn’t be deal breakers. Yes, you may prefer a dog person over a cat person, or a person who likes to travel rather than one who likes to stay home, but if your hearts are both in the right place and aren’t being dominated by sin and selfishness, you should always be willing to compromise with and for each other. Some of the greatest of life’s adventures can be experienced with a person you truly love when each of you is willing to risk moving outside your comfort zone and experiencing life from the other person’s point of view!

But what happens when the line between sin and preference becomes a little blurry? Or what if the preference is a really big deal?

After I had my second child, I said I never wanted any more children. In fact, I still maintain that at this point in my life, having more children is just not a priority or a very strong desire. I used to say that if a man desperately wanted children of his own (or more children of his own) that I simply could not date him because I could never marry him since I wasn’t willing to give him that.

And then a friend shared with me a conversation that she and her husband had had early in their dating relationship. She had expressed to him that she did not ever desire to have children. She probably expected that in sharing that with him, one of two things would happen: either he’d agree with her or he wouldn’t. If he agreed, their relationship could continue, and she’d be locked into a commitment to never have children. If he disagreed, however, either he would decide to end the relationship, or he would argue with her over the issue. But instead, this man – who eventually became her husband and the father of their two children – took her by surprise when he said to her, “If God wants us to have children, we will have children.”

And she realized she couldn’t argue. He knew her heart, and her heart was to be obedient to God. And he wasn’t afraid of her outspokenness because he knew that if God was going to call her to be a mother, she would be a mother, and He would put that desire in her heart and equip her along the way.

This is just one example of a preference that you might consider a pretty big deal. But if you both have your hearts set on seeking God, God will work out the details, and he’ll point your hearts toward His will.

My friend is now one of the most loving and devoted mothers I know.

And to have or not to have children is no longer a deal breaker on my list of what to look for in a spouse. Ironically, it’s equally important to me now that it’s not a deal breaker on his list, either. He may strongly desire to have children, and I may come to agreement, and God may never bless me with the ability to have any more. That has to be ok. The only acceptable foundation on which to build a marriage is God. Children do not make good substitutes in that equation.

So I would encourage you, if you have a list of qualities you desire in a future spouse, to evaluate the items on that list one by one. Ask God to reveal to you whether those qualities are true sin issues or whether they are merely preferences. You don’t have to throw out the preferences, but they should always come secondary to the sin issues. And before you allow mere preferences to become deal breakers, truly set your heart on God and ask Him to reveal His plan for you.

The only item from my original list which made the cut to my new list is the first one – except that I’ve changed it to be that he must love Christ first and foremost in his life and that he must be willing to seek God’s plan for his life, even if it means moving outside his comfort zone.

Because I’m a dog person, and he may experience some discomfort in his need for allergy shots. And when I beat him in basketball, that might be a little uncomfortable for him at first too...