Dating and the Single Mom: What's in His Heart?

If my facebook page has seemed a little quieter than usual over the past several weeks, I admit, I’ve been limiting my time online. I realized just how much time I was spending on facebook in particular, and decided I needed to be more intentional about how I was using my time. I’d rather read my kids an extra bedtime story than spend those ten “free” minutes online. And during my daytime downtime or after my kids go to bed, I decided that it would be much more valuable to spend my time in a book instead of online. I even deleted the facebook app from my phone because I found myself tempted to check my page every time I received an alert, even if I was in the middle of doing something with my kids.

I’m planning a total social media detox sometime in the relatively near future. I’m not sure how long it will last – maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a little longer – but I’ll be totally unplugged for a period of time. I’ll be sure and let you know before that happens, and I’ll probably appoint someone to watch over my page during that time, because, as is expected in this online world, I do occasionally have to intercept random spam that comes through.

Anyway, this post really should have gone live before now, but I kind of let it slip through the cracks. I’ll try to set the next few to auto-post.

What’s in is His Heart?

This is the second in a series entitled Dating and the Single Mom. If you missed the first one, you can read it here: Dating and the Single Mom: Preference or Sin.

It can be a challenge to discern what’s really in a person’s heart – especially when we’re just getting to know him or her, and everyone’s putting on their best face. I suppose another title for this post could have been Don’t Overlook the Small Stuff, because sometimes we have to take note of those often overlooked moments – you know, the ones that just make you cock your head a little to the side like a slightly confused beagle, squint your eyes a bit, sit back and go “Huh. That was odd.”

Example. Once I was on a date. 

No really, I was. 

It was a casual sort of date – we were out for pizza with our kids (we each had one at the time). When the pizza was delivered to our table, my date immediately reached for two slices for himself, and one for his kid. It took me a little by surprise that he wouldn’t offer it to me first, but I shrugged it off, thinking I was just being silly. I mean, he was a really nice guy, and the fact that I got my pizza 7 seconds later than he did, honestly didn’t matter to me that much. I don’t remember anything remarkable from our conversation during dinner that night as we worked our way through the pizza. 

And then there were two slices left. And he grabbed both of them.

That was our last date.

A friend later told me it was stupid to end things with such a nice guy over a couple slices of pizza. But it was more than a couple slices of pizza. It was an unconscious reflection of what was in his heart – self-centeredness. In those brief moments when he let down his guard, when he wasn’t consciously putting his best foot forward, he demonstrated his heart to me without even realizing it.

Our hearts shape our attitudes and our behavior. We can override our hearts for a time by choosing to behave in ways we know make us look like a better version of ourselves. Or like a different person altogether. But in those moments when we shift into auto-pilot, so to speak, our hearts take over again.

A person can only maintain a false façade for so long. Even a slightly tweaked façade. Before long, the heart is revealed, and if you don’t take notice of the small indicators that the heart beneath the surface is quite different than what’s being portrayed, you risk walking deeper into a relationship than God may have intended you to go.

But please don’t misunderstand me in this. I’m not telling you to nit-pick every small annoyance in an attempt to fix every little thing you think is wrong with the other person. If that’s what you do, that’s a heart problem on your end. It’s not your job to change the other person. (Also, if you’re struggling over this, take another look at my first post in this series. Not everything that might annoy you is a sin issue and worth making a big deal out of.)

I never said I argued with my pizza date over his selfishness. Because I didn’t. In fact, I never even brought it up with him. I simply chose to break off the relationship. I recognized that it was a relationship that God did not intend for me because he was not ready to be a husband. Whether or not that ever changed for him was going to be between him and God, but it wasn’t my job to get in the middle and try to fix him. Or nag him until both our lives became a miserable mess of drama and sin.

It’s my job to seek God’s direction for MY life. And that wasn’t it.

And I didn’t owe him or anyone else any explanation. I simply had to know where God wanted me to go, and respond faithfully. 

Selfishness revealed itself over pizza, but over time, selfishness likely would have revealed itself over bigger issues, as well. It's never the surface issue that's the problem - it's the heart behind the surface issue. If someone is selfish with pizza, he or she will be selfish with time, selfish with finances, and selfish with physical and emotional desires. 

Be sensitive enough to God's Spirit to recognize when it's more than just pizza.

Dating and the Single Mom: Preference or Sin?

More times than I can count, I’ve been asked by single moms about dating. Whether they should date. Who they should date. How they go about finding a date. Why they can’t seem to find the right person to date.

These are tough questions to answer because the answer is never going to be the same for everyone.

This article – which, due to the depth of its content, has turned into a series of articles – will address several areas to consider concerning dating and the single mom.

Initially, I was going to begin by taking a look at how to tell if you’re ready to date. But after praying, and writing, and praying some more, I decided to begin by giving you an opportunity to take a look at what you’re looking for in a potential spouse, and compare it to what God would want you to look for. Because regardless of whether or not you’re ready to date right now, God can still reveal to you the type of person he may be preparing you for at some point in the future. And through comparing what you may desire to what God may desire for you, I truly believe that God can reveal to your heart when His timing is right for you.

Preference or Sin?

We’ve all heard the advice: Make a list of everything you want in a spouse and don’t settle for anything less.

Back when I had a list, my list looked something like this:

• Must be a Christian (though I was fairly lax in my definition of “Christian”)
• Must be taller than I am and weigh more than I do
• Must be a dog person
• Must have a college degree and an established career with a salary higher than mine
• Must be able to beat me in basketball and football
• Must also know the rules of football – both college and pro
• Must not be a Cincinnati Bengals or Baltimore Ravens fan (I eliminated the Cleveland Browns from this list because I still have yet to meet a real life fan)
• Must love the outdoors but must never expect me to go camping unless it is in a luxury RV
• Must not be afraid of me (because I’m not gonna lie, I probably scared some people)

Now, there’s nothing wrong with recognizing the values that are important to you, and looking for those values in a potential spouse. But when your list of non-negotiables looks something like your five-year-old’s Christmas letter to Santa Claus, or some unrealistic and somewhat intimidating compilation similar to mine, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate your priorities.

Even a reasonable list of positive, sensible attributes can cause you to stumble when those desires have been given too high a priority.

As you consider your list of attributes, for each quality listed, ask yourself: Is this a sin issue or is it merely a preference?

For example:

A man who places a higher value on his career and his social status than on his relationship with Christ and his relationships with his family, would be a sin issue.

A man who likes cats rather than dogs, would merely be a preference.

Sin issues are issues that shouldn’t be taken lightly. The goal of a relationship is not to change the other person’s heart. If that person’s life is dominated by one of these sin issues, this is not a person you should venture into a relationship with.

As far as preferences are concerned, you can certainly include these on your list, but they shouldn’t be deal breakers. Yes, you may prefer a dog person over a cat person, or a person who likes to travel rather than one who likes to stay home, but if your hearts are both in the right place and aren’t being dominated by sin and selfishness, you should always be willing to compromise with and for each other. Some of the greatest of life’s adventures can be experienced with a person you truly love when each of you is willing to risk moving outside your comfort zone and experiencing life from the other person’s point of view!

But what happens when the line between sin and preference becomes a little blurry? Or what if the preference is a really big deal?

After I had my second child, I said I never wanted any more children. In fact, I still maintain that at this point in my life, having more children is just not a priority or a very strong desire. I used to say that if a man desperately wanted children of his own (or more children of his own) that I simply could not date him because I could never marry him since I wasn’t willing to give him that.

And then a friend shared with me a conversation that she and her husband had had early in their dating relationship. She had expressed to him that she did not ever desire to have children. She probably expected that in sharing that with him, one of two things would happen: either he’d agree with her or he wouldn’t. If he agreed, their relationship could continue, and she’d be locked into a commitment to never have children. If he disagreed, however, either he would decide to end the relationship, or he would argue with her over the issue. But instead, this man – who eventually became her husband and the father of their two children – took her by surprise when he said to her, “If God wants us to have children, we will have children.”

And she realized she couldn’t argue. He knew her heart, and her heart was to be obedient to God. And he wasn’t afraid of her outspokenness because he knew that if God was going to call her to be a mother, she would be a mother, and He would put that desire in her heart and equip her along the way.

This is just one example of a preference that you might consider a pretty big deal. But if you both have your hearts set on seeking God, God will work out the details, and he’ll point your hearts toward His will.

My friend is now one of the most loving and devoted mothers I know.

And to have or not to have children is no longer a deal breaker on my list of what to look for in a spouse. Ironically, it’s equally important to me now that it’s not a deal breaker on his list, either. He may strongly desire to have children, and I may come to agreement, and God may never bless me with the ability to have any more. That has to be ok. The only acceptable foundation on which to build a marriage is God. Children do not make good substitutes in that equation.

So I would encourage you, if you have a list of qualities you desire in a future spouse, to evaluate the items on that list one by one. Ask God to reveal to you whether those qualities are true sin issues or whether they are merely preferences. You don’t have to throw out the preferences, but they should always come secondary to the sin issues. And before you allow mere preferences to become deal breakers, truly set your heart on God and ask Him to reveal His plan for you.

The only item from my original list which made the cut to my new list is the first one – except that I’ve changed it to be that he must love Christ first and foremost in his life and that he must be willing to seek God’s plan for his life, even if it means moving outside his comfort zone.

Because I’m a dog person, and he may experience some discomfort in his need for allergy shots. And when I beat him in basketball, that might be a little uncomfortable for him at first too...

Financial Fear or Freedom? (Part 2)

If you missed Part 1, be sure to read that first!

After I came out of that financially devastating situation in my life, and finally felt like I had reached "ground zero", I began to rebuild. Once I was able to make ends meet, I eventually reached a point where I claimed to believe God's promises that He would provide... until I recognized that I truly didn't. I was only speaking the words - my heart wasn't quite there. Every once in awhile, when the money came up short at the end of the month, I would get angry with God and ask Him why He wasn't providing the way He promised.

And then one day it hit me...

If I'm living my life in a way that is beyond the means which He has provided, I'm telling God what He's given me is not enough. And that is a lie. What God gives us is always enough. What we choose to do with what He gives us reveals our heart - either we trust Him or we don't.

I had to really reexamine where my money was going. If I couldn't afford my house payment, there was a good chance His plan might require me to downsize. If I couldn't afford my car payment, there was a good chance He was asking me to trade it in for something a little more modest. If I found I was spending more money at Starbucks every month than I was giving the church, God was probably asking me to take a hard look at my priorities.

If you find yourself struggling financially, my first challenge to you would be to examine where your money is going. When we take the time to examine our financial priorities, God has a way of convicting our hearts. Of revealing to us a certain level of selfishness that today's world would simply see as entitlement. God doesn't promise to provide for our selfish whims - He promises to provide what we need. And He asks us to be content with that.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

-Hebrews 13:5

But I skipped a part of my story. The part where I broke free of all the debt I had accumulated so quickly when I became a single mom. Don't worry - I'll share that part too... but don't be surprised if it doesn't look the way you might expect. Sometimes in an attempt to break free of the chains that bind us, we simply exchange one kind of bondage for another. In doing so, we don't truly attain freedom.

Financial Fear or Freedom? (Part 1)

You know the story. Maybe it's your story. Maybe it's the story of someone you know.

 

You fall in love, get married, have a child... and then seemingly out of nowhere, he's not in love anymore.

 

Relationship ends. Court battle ensues. There are fights over custody, visitation, child support, settlement payments...

 

And when it's all said and done, you're a single mom with one (or maybe no) income. You have a child to raise, bills to pay, and the money coming into the home is significantly less than the amount that needs to be going out.

 

And you panic.

 

Fear sets in.

 

Defeat is felt.

 

You didn't ask for this. You said "I do" thinking you were signing up for a happily-ever-after, and now you don't even know how you're going to feed your child, let alone pay the mortgage. Forget about doing anything "happily".

 

The direction you turn in this moment reveals a lot more about your heart than you might realize.

 

It's a common story. The specific details aren't exactly my story, but the outcome, fear, and accompanying emotions are the same. I was in debt further than I even knew, and when the bills started coming in - credit cards I hadn't realized had been maxed out, checks that bounced due to account withdrawals I was unaware of, and past due notices on bills I thought had been paid - to say I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement. Among other things, I was on the verge of eviction from the one-bedroom apartment I shared with my daughter.

 

I know now where my heart should have been. In the Word. In the only One who knew how to truly provide for my little family. 

 

But it wasn't. It was in the world. It was focused on fear, and the lack of control I felt over a situation I thought I should be able to control. 

 

If I had been focused on God's promises, I would have known that He would never leave me nor forsake me.

 

Do not be afraid or terrified... for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

 

I would have known that He would always provide for me what I needed.

 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

 

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:25-34

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:19

But I didn't believe that.

How about you? If you're struggling financially, do you believe His promises, or are you stuck in a place of fear?

Is Financial Freedom a Myth?

If you're a single mom, the mention of financial planning may very well send you into panic mode. The thought of balancing your checkbook may lead to involuntary twitching. The idea that you could actually attain financial peace may seem so far out of reach that you can't even consider grasping it as a reality.

Few things in life create the amount of fear and feelings of hopelessness quite like financial bondage. Especially for a single mom.

There's a reason for that, and believe it or not, it's Biblical!

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.
Proverbs 22:7

I can attest to feeling "ruled over" and to feeling like a slave to the debt that can quickly pile up when living paycheck to paycheck and never quite being able to cover those extra emergency expenses that seem to go hand in hand with having children.

But God doesn't want us to live like that. He doesn't want us to be a slave to anyone. In fact, His Word tells us that it just can't be done. In both Luke 16:13 and Matthew 6:24, His Word says:

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

I'd tried countless times to get my finances under control. I tried everything I knew how to do to stay on top of bills and not allow them to pile up. I did everything I could to limit my spending to only the bare necessitites. But nothing ever worked. It always seemed like there were just a few too many days and far too many bills left at the end of each pay period, and I just couldn't get out from underneath it all.

I was trapped. Enslaved. In bondage.

And then I heard Dave Ramsey say: "No one is born a financial planner. I've been to the hospital a lot and the doctor never looks at me and says, 'Oh look there's a financial planner!'"

And it hit me... I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I may be smart, and I may be motivated, but no one has ever really taught me how to do this stuff. Maybe there's a better way... maybe there's a trick, a secret, a magic formula... something that someone else might know that I don't.

Maybe I should ask.

So I joined Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University in my church, and it has rocked my world! There are no magic formulas, but there ARE tricks and truths and a whole lotta God's Word! And learning it has brought me so much freedom!

So over the next few weeks, I'm going to share a bit of my journey with you...

But in the meantime, if you're an Omaha single mom, this Wednesday evening at Westside Church, the topic of the Single & Parenting class that I teach is Money & Career. A good portion of our DVD lesson is done by Dave Ramsey, and all single moms are welcome to attend - regardless of whether you attend Westside or have ever been to a Single & Parenting class before.

We will talk about Dave Ramsey's first 3 "Baby Steps" to financial freedom, which will help get you on the right track to obtaining control over your financial situation. You will not be required to purchase anything - I will have worksheets available for everyone.

Class will begin at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday evening at Westside Church, and free childcare and Midweek activities will be available for children through 5th grade.

If you would like additional information about this class, the fastest way to get ahold of me is through my facebook link above!

Greatest Love in the Universe

For your Creator will be your husband;
The Lord of Heaven's Armies is His name!
Isaiah 54:5

Original video can be found at www.FathersLoveLetter.com

Stripping Away Me

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? – Mark 8:35-36

I prayed a bold prayer.

I asked God to strip me of me and fill me with Him.

I didn’t realize it would hurt this much.

I’m prideful and independent and stubborn and selfish and I don’t like losing. Especially when what I’m losing is myself. And as I shed the layers of myself, I don’t like seeing the ugliness that my heart is capable of producing.

All at once, a ministry that I have poured my time and my heart into felt like it was collapsing under my feet.

A well-intentioned request for input from a friend felt like a threat to the “safety bubble” I have strategically placed myself within.

All the while, dealing with so many uncertainties in my near and distant future.

Will God provide us with a home, where my kids can have their own space, but which won’t put me in a financial bind?

With my vehicle, my washing machine, and my computer all seemingly near death, will I be slammed with the expenses of having to replace all of them at the same time?

Am I being faithful and obedient, and am I really where God wants me as I begin a new semester in ministry?

Will the Steelers win the Super Bowl?

(Ok, so I guess the answer to that last one isn’t so uncertain… there’s always next season…)

With each unanswered question comes a follow-up question:

Regardless of how the answer plays out, do I trust that God will provide?

He promises He will. But it’s according to the riches of HIS glory – not mine.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:19

With my ministry, when things seem to be unraveling, I start to feel responsible. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate. I feel rejected – both by people and by God. I feel incapable. And sometimes, I feel like giving up.

With my “safety bubble” being pressed upon, I feel the potential for it to pop – leaving me exposed and vulnerable in front of people I don’t know well enough to trust. I feel like my relationships inside the bubble are being threatened. I feel like retreating into a self-imposed solitary confinement as a means of protecting myself from whatever I sense is threatening my security.

In both scenarios, God has something to show me. I continue to look too much toward myself, and not enough toward Him.

I find myself using words like “me”… “my”… “I”… “I”… “I”…

When I should be saying “You”… “Your”… and each of my “I”s  should be followed by a “surrender”.

And He reminds me that He’s not doing anything I haven’t asked Him to do. He’s stripping away the layers of me so that I can clothe myself in layers of Him. And as painful as it is some days to be stripped down and ripped apart, in the end, the glory of His righteousness will shine through my life more brightly than any layer of myself ever could.

And as I allow Him to do His work in me, I hold tightly to the promise and the pronouncement of 1 Peter 5:10-11:

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To HIM be the power forever and ever.

Chasing Desires in God's Timing

There is a time for everything

and a season for every activity under the heavens

(Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Sometimes God plants dreams in our hearts. Desires that He has for us, which, when sought after in the appropriate time, allow us to follow a path He has laid out for us. But sometimes this can be trickier than it might seem.

First, we must be sensitive to the Spirit moving in our hearts. We must be able to discern whether the desires are truly from Him. So how do we know if they’re truly from Him? We must seek Him first and foremost, above all other things. We must spend time with Him. Enjoy Him. When our focus is on Him rather than ourselves, and our intention is to live our life for Him rather than for ourselves, He promises to shape our hearts’ desires.

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

(Psalm 37:4)

The next part, however, has proven even more challenging for me. Not only do we need to be sensitive to God’s Spirit shaping our desires, but we must also be aware of God’s ability to time things just perfectly. Sometimes God puts certain desires on our hearts to prepare us for a time in the future when He intends for us to act on those desires. To begin to move us toward a position where we will be better equipped to act on those desires.

  

The bible is full of testimonies that point to the perfect timing of God. Examples of promises made by God to people who were then asked to wait. Wait and trust. Trust that when the time was right, God would initiate the move.

God has blessed me with a heart full of desires. He’s given me big dreams, big ideas, big plans, big goals… and the personality to want to chase after every single one of them all at once. Even recklessly. And for a long time, I spent a lot of my energy doing just that. And let me tell you, I can be good at it. I’m determined, and I don’t give up easily.

But as I found myself dragging my kids to every ministry opportunity I could get myself signed up for, and then beginning to resent the fact that they made it difficult for me to be so involved, God began showing me something I hadn’t expected.

He really didn’t want me involved in everything.

But He did want my attention.

Because He had blessed me with one of the greatest ministries any person can be given – the ministry of shaping the hearts of my children. And then He reminded me of a sobering reality that, while this may well be one of the most important ministries of my lifetime, it may also be one of the shortest ministry seasons I ever have. My children’s childhood will be over before I know it. They will only be children for a season. Every other ministry opportunity will still be there when my children are grown. But their childhood will be gone.

God has placed many desires on my heart, but I cannot do His kingdom justice by chasing after them outside of His perfect timing. Those things He has placed on my heart for a time in the future, are the very things He is training me for and preparing me for in the present.

And what better training ground than the exhausting, messy, chaotic, disorganized, everyday life of a single mom?